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On Bumperstickers

Category: Ramblings

Published on Wednesday, 21 October 2009 00:00

Written by Teri Dunn Chace

Let us now praise, or at least consider, bumperstickers. They give everyone something to read and ponder in traffic, they help you find your car quickly in a crowded parking lot, and they give your vehicle a bit of personality. I’ve been pasting them on my various cars for years, and I have a few thoughts and observations to share about mine … and yours.

Bumperstickers serve different purposes, I’ve noticed. My favorites are the amusing or clever ones, the ones that take a moment to ‘get’. For instance: “VISIT WISCONSIN: COME SMELL OUR DAIRY AIR” “ISIS, ISIS…RA, RA, RA!” “GREAT BASS, LESH PHILLING” (oh, and let’s not forget the related one, now a collector’s item just like the VW vans it always adorned, I am sure: “WHO ARE THE GRATEFUL DEAD AND WHY ARE THEY FOLLOWING ME AROUND FROM TOWN TO TOWN?”). Everyone can use an “aha” giggle now and then, as we go on our way.

Worthy causes are ever-​popular. “KEEP TAHOE BLUE,” I assume, means, please stop polluting or draining away the water of this beautiful mountain lake. “STUMPS DON’T LIE” was on the bumpers of a lot of anti-​logging proponents’ cars out in Oregon where I used to live. I have “WE SUPPORT CPA, A GOOD DEAL FOR GLOUCESTER,” which was in support of a ballot initiative to approve the Community Preservation Act for the funding it would supply (for needed civic and other restoration projects around here). During the campaign, this sticker appeared on a lot of local cars, calling attention to and buoying the campaign. After it passed, I left the sticker on, proud of my town.

Which brings me to more controversial bumperstickers. It is my considered opinion that political ones are a faux pas, at the very least because they have a limited shelf life (and if you’ve tried, you know bumperstickers are hard to remove) (someone told me once: coat it with mayonnaise and wait a few hours…mmm). Sure, we’ve all seen Obama stickers pasted over old John Kerry stickers. While I believe everyone is entitled to an opinion, I think that political, and religious, statements can lead to hard feelings in traffic just as they do at dinner parties. In the previous election, I read in my local paper that somebody with a Bush/​Cheney sticker on his bumper was upset about getting dissed. (In fact, it was reported that the driver was being subjected to “obscene jesters” from other motorists, a typo the spell-​checker program missed. Gave the whole complaint a wilder edge!) It’s a jungle out there on the roads — see my previous post on Massholes — let’s not make it worse. I might pardon you if your political sticker is humorous: “REPUBLICANS FOR VOLDEMORT,” for instance. The most amusing religious sticker I’ve seen is “EPISCOPALIANS: PART OF THE RELIGIOUS LEFT.” Or maybe “WHAT WOULD SPONGEBOB DO?” surpasses that.

Another popular trend is those black-​and-​white ovals with a few terse initials. I fear these are a bit snobby. “GB” means you’ve been to Great Britain. “MV” means Martha’s Vineyard, often plastered on a BMW, well, la de dah! “BVI” is British Virgin Islands, lucky you. Several of these on your bumper broadcast that you spend more time in airplanes or boats than in the car, implying “Look, everybody, I’m a world traveler…and you’re not!”

What do the stickers really say to your viewing audience? Have you ever made a new friend when someone approached you in a parking lot, or called out to you in traffic, “GB?! Did you see Stonehenge? Churchill’s Bunker? Winchester Cathedral? Me, too! Loved them!” No, me neither. I did, however, have a Californian exclaim about my KPIG sticker, which is a great radio station in the Santa Cruz area; we spent a few minutes at a corner sharing our fondness not only for that station but for that part of the world. But finding a kindred spirit or new friend is probably ultimately not the point of bumperstickers. All too often, they are a one-​way messaging system, meant mainly to tell the world about you if the world even cares to know.

Finally, there are the practical stickers. “STATE TROOPERS ARE YOUR BEST PROTECTION” (some motorists believe having this makes them immune to speeding tickets; after you are pulled over and your license and registration are demanded, suddenly the surly state trooper sees you have THAT sticker, turns sunny, hands everything back and wishes you a nice day). “LOOK TWICE, SAVE A LIFE, MOTORCYCLES ARE EVERYWHERE,” always black letters on a bright yellow background, stands out as an important reminder. I think “MAD RIVER GLEN, SKI IT IF YOU CAN” is actually also a practical one. That driver is not merely boasting about his or her skiing prowess, they are supplying the valuable information to others on the road that they are expert at navigating safely at high speeds — news you can use.

Speaking of driving safely, here is the most succinct bumpersticker going: “HANG UP AND DRIVE.” And the most useful one I have seen lately is: “DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK.” Chew on that one, folks — it is not a candidate for a coating of mayonnaise!