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Ask the Hot Dog Guy

Category: Ramblings

Published on Friday, 20 August 2010 05:00

Written by Teri Dunn Chace

Recently I moved to a small town in upstate New York. I’m chagrined to note that acclaimed author Richard Russo (Empire Falls, Mohawk, Nobody’s Fool) has already taken all the good pseudo-​names for this part of the world, so I will protect my new neighbors’ anonymity as best I can, by calling this town Moderate Falls. So far, it is a pleasant place to live, with attractive scenery, a smattering of shops, and friendly townspeople. But it is not without its dramas and flaws…and colorful characters…My current favorite is the Hot Dog Guy.

Before I tell you about the Hot Dog Guy, I must start by setting the scene. In Moderate Falls, we have a Main Street a few blocks long (he has a mobile cart and tries to stay in the shade). During the urban-​renewal frenzy that swept the state and indeed many parts of the nation in the 60s, one side of this street was razed for “improvements.” Those improvements, now getting on in years, include a sprawling one-​story “mall” anchored by a moderate-​size grocery store, attended by various smaller businesses, and a few vacancies and, predictably, surrounded by a sea of bland parking lot. Clearly nothing has been done to upgrade this substantial piece of our downtown in many a long year, and it looks both dated and cruddy, frankly. Across the street and up and down the way we have a moderately attractive, classic Main Street, with unassuming storefronts fronted by a sidewalk under a sheltering roof supported by columns — a classic small-​town look. Some fresh paint on these once-​handsome columns and older wooden buildings and their trim, some Windex applied with what my grandma called “elbow grease” on the streetside windows, perhaps even some colorful awnings or inviting on-​street seating…would be, I think, doable and nice. We don’t aspire to be gentrified, upscale Saratoga Springs, but the potential is here for Prettier, More Prosperous Falls.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of town, where two county highways intersect, bringing moderate traffic in from points north, east, and west, there is word of a new strip mall. Undeveloped land awaits; the mayor and some locals are intrigued or seduced by the prospect. A developer has sniffed around, strewing a few “plans,” promises, and hints of modernization and jobs.

But not so fast, folks! There are those among us who believe — and back up their contention with reputable studies and projections — that a town this size, in this moderate part of the world, cannot support two grocery stores or two mini-​malls. Build a spiffy new market on the outskirts, and the downtown one will surely flounder and perish, likely dragging down with it, the other tenants of the downtrodden mall as well as, quite likely, the shops of our humble Main Street. My favorite little stat is that the actual net gain in jobs is likely to = 3. Three jobs! Woo! Better, instead, to invest money, creativity, and effort on improving what we have, say some.

And so, before I even got here and began to discern all this, the battle for the heart of Moderate Falls was launched. On one side, the developer’s representatives, the mayor and, it seems, some of the town council, as well as some of the townspeople. On the other side are concerned citizens (including me, pretty quickly) who protest that the project will be bad for the town and who much prefer to walk to the store than get in a car and travel to the outskirts.

Two things have happened recently to change this battlefield, as far as I can see. The developer was turned down for a substantial state grant (taxpayer money, our money!) to underwrite running the necessary utilities out to the proposed site; the developer can now either appeal, carry on with his own money, or walk away. The other item — not unrelated, bear with me here — is that the New York State Legislature, in an unprecedented, nearly unanimous, bipartisan vote, just approved new state laws that regulate how state money — such as it is, there ain’t much these days, here or anywhere — is dispersed. Now if a town wants state aid for any project, the proposal must pass through two bureaucratic filters: is it a part of a greater Municipal Plan? And does the plan, and by extension, the proposed project, adhere to “Smart Growth” principles?

I won’t lecture RoadsideOnline readers on “Smart Growth” principles — most of you know what they are and how they support walkable communities and reduce sprawl. I may be new to Moderate Falls, but I am not new to this sort of battle, having seen similar ones won, and lost, in other places. I much prefer to see these principles prevail where I live and shop, but I also know that it ain’t over till it’s over.

While walking downtown the other day and pondering the potential here, my husband and I stopped at the Hot Dog Guy’s mobile cart for a snack and a chat. I have observed that this fellow does a steady business throughout the day, moving from one spot to another at times as he seeks shade or catches customers coming out of town offices, small businesses, and shops. “We hear you know everything that’s going on around town,” we opened. “I keep my ears open,” he replied noncommittally. My husband ordered and paid for a hot dog and the conversation progressed…

…I was immediately reminded of the late, lamented TV show “Police Squad” and the iconic regular character Johnny the Shoeshine Guy. “What’s the word on the street, Johnny?” asks the cop, played by the hilarious Leslie Nielsen of “Airplane” and “Naked Gun” fame, as he sidles up and settles into a chair. “Not too much,” comes the studious reply. After a couple of quick glances up and down the street, the cop tucks what appears to be a whopping $20 bill in Johnny’s pocket. Johnny brightens, begins to shine his shoes, and reveals quietly, “Word on the street is that you guys are barking up the wrong tree with that suspect. Now this other…” Nielsen’s character gets more info, nods, thanks him, and departs.

So! What’s the word on the street, Hot Dog Guy, about the proposed market and mini-​mall on the outskirts of Moderate Falls? One or two bites into the hot dog, we get our emphatic answer, “Not happening!”

Because my husband is also a Johnny the Shoeshine Guy fan, he cannot resist a second question, “What about…life after death, then?” Our man doesn’t miss a beat: “Not happening either!” he booms. (This hearkens to the time a priest visited Johnny. His answer to that question was, “I wouldn’t know,” but after the priest checked quickly for eavesdroppers and forked over a $20 bill, the Shoeshine Guy muttered conspiratorially, “Are you talking existential being or anthropomorphic deity?”)

But seriously, folks. Our Hot Dog Guy believes the proposed marketplace will not happen not simply because of the state-​aid-​for-​utilities rejection, nor because some residents are fighting back with good arguments and pro-​Main Street (pro-​Smart-​Growth) proposals, but because the developer has recently turned his resources into buying and renovating a chain of established grocery stores elsewhere in the state. It’s easier, most likely cheaper, the Hot Dog Guy speculates. We hope he’s right. We heard it here first!

P.S.

Pickle spears and/​or neon-​green relish on the hot dogs, like in Chicago? Not happening here in upstate New York!