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Who ARE These People? Wait — Don’t Tell Me

Category: Uncategorised

Published on Thursday, 08 July 2010 05:00

Written by Thom Ring

I don’t know who Kim Kardashian is. I don’t know who Rihanna is, either. I’ve heard of Carrie Underwood and Tricia Yearwood. I know they both sing. One of them came from American Idol. I think. Couldn’t tell you which one.

Did one of them do that song “My Life Would Suck Without You”? The song’s what sucks. The melody sounds like it was thought up by a middle school student for the big summer-​camp variety show. Which, I suppose, is perfectly apropos. The song’s primary contribution to art is the opportunity it gives pubescent girls to say the word suck — and to fight with their moms about whether they can play the song in the house. But hey — I remember it.

That’s better than Lady Gaga. I know what Lady Gaga is. Chalk that up as a triumph for her. But while fame has its appeal, I don’t think I’d want to be famous for looking like an idiot. What’s important here is that beyond knowing she’s a singer, I couldn’t name one song she’s sung — even under pain of death. And yet I realize there is no way on this earth I haven’t heard her. Yet the only impression she’s made on me is that she looks like an idiot.

This is what fame is all about in America today. It’s about — being famous, and nothing more. It was sad enough when someone with real talent couldn’t get the break they deserved because they didn’t have a gimmick, or they didn’t know someone with the right connections. Today, you don’t need no stinkin’ talent. All you need is the connection. You don’t even need that, thank you very much, American Idol. I mean, as with Underwood/​Yearwood, I was aware of that Idol winner with the gray hair long before I heard him sing. I’ve heard richer, more compelling singing in the shower, and I was the one singing! The guy can carry a tune. For this, he’s famous?

I know Sandra Bullock, and Jesse James, too. Now I know more about them than I ever cared to know. I see a lot of movies, so I know a lot of actors. But I don’t need to know who they married/​were cheated on by. Just act, will ya? Keep your married infidelities to yourself. I’m not looking to vote for you. This ain’t California.

And Jesse. I know about him because I’m into motorcycles. What I know is that his flashy bikes run like crap-​uphill. James will bolt pieces together without paying attention to how to make them actually function properly. That’s what happens when you choose a functional component based upon how pretty it looks. When James starts a new bike and it sputters and backfires like a junkyard tractor, his friends laugh and mug like kids with their fathers’ Playboy. Once he headed out on a new machine for a long trip and minutes into it stood up to look cool or something. The seat flew off. He and his friends laughed about that, too.

Frankly, I think when he delivered the now par-​for-​the-​course mea culpa about his marital indiscretions, that sputtered and backfired, too. It’ll probably make him even more famous.

By the way, does anybody know who Lady Gaga is? Why should we care?