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Bumper to Bumper

Category: Life

Published on Wednesday, 09 June 2010 05:00

Written by Paul Roy

While driving behind the dirty windshield the other day, I was thinking about bumper stickers. A few posts ago I wrote about how you can tell where people are from by the way they drive their vehicles. The same can be said by the bumper sticker on their car or truck. Disclaimer: This falls under the category of Truck Philosophy which is a discipline of philosophy practiced by people who spend too much time in a truck or other motorized vehicle. It is similar to Truck Science.

Here are a list of bumper stickers I have seen and my thoughts on how the person will drive the car.

“I may be slow but I’m ahead of you” – This one is pretty self-​explanatory with one addition to the obvious. This person will also either straddling lanes or in the high speed lane of the interstate.

“War is not the answer” – Be careful when you come across this one as the driver is usually lost in thought and won’t be paying much attention to you.

“Outta My Way – I’m Going To Wal-​Mart” – the person who is driving this vehicle (usually a Dodge minivan) will be multi-​tasking. There will usually be five or more people in the vehicle and the back will be full of plastic bags which will not allow the operator to see you. Watch for flying cigarette butts.

“My pit bull is smarter than your honor student” – Mostly seen on pick-​up trucks. This driver tends to cut you off, will drive fast and will likely pass you on the right.

“Coexist” (written in various symbols denoting peace) – Similar to the “War” driver, this one is more dangerous since not only are they lost in thought, but they will be texting their thoughts to their friends.

“Kerry/​Edwards” – The driver of this vehicle will be driving the speed limit, obeying all the traffic rules until you pass them, cut them off or tailgate. Then you can expect all that pent up frustration to come out.

“Giuliani for President” under a “Thompson for President” under a “Ron Paul ‘08” under a ”Mitt” under a “McCain/​Palin” – Be very afraid of this driver for two reasons. He can’t make up his mind or he can’t make a good decision, either way he won’t signal when he turns, he’ll stop short in front of you or if you happen to have an Obama sticker on your car, throw something at you.

“Thomas” – That’s not a bumper sticker, it’s a stopped school bus, watch out.