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A Smart Lady Married a Smart Aleck…and they Dined Clashingly Ever After

Category: Independent Eateries

Published on Friday, 05 November 2010 05:00

Written by Simmons & Simmons

Welcome to the debut edition of Clash of the Palates. While its authors share an ardent love for each other, we don’t frequently share a love of the same foods. Through our contrasting perspectives, we will critique independent eateries using the CATS evaluation method. For those of you not familiar, it was developed by the ancient Egyptians when a debate arose over whether or not to let Starbucks and McDonald’s move into the pyramid district. CATS dictates that we assess eateries based on the following criteria…

Following our CATS evaluation, we will leave you with a Tip. Each of us will disburse one of the following forms of currency…

By the way, the origin of CATS was a joke. Please don’t go rushing to post it on Wikipedia. Now without further ado, let’s assess Juilleret’s…

COST

MATT: The first time we ate at Juilleret’s, in 2008, I ordered one of their legendary pancakes with eager anticipation. The next sensation I felt was a swift kick to my giddiness when the waitress responded, “Hold on, I’ll have you speak with someone in our financing department.”

ANDREA: A single pancake is between $3-$4. But a normal person only needs to eat a single Juilleret’s pancake. They’re monstrously large and thick and a single pancake from here is far more filling and fulfilling than a regular stack at a lesser restaurant. But then you start to add meat ($4)…and coffee ($3 for a pot)…and potatoes ($4)…and that $3 pancake suddenly became a $14 meal for one person, pre-​tip. It is undoubtedly a splurge, and an occasional splurge at best. In the greater context, though, Juilleret’s is located in Charlevoix, a small tourist town directly on Lake Michigan where the yachts in the marina are docked in four-​story mansions. A $14 breakfast that’s pretty much worth every penny suddenly seems like a steal.

MATT: Ahem. What are you doing ~ giving spoilers for the Taste and Ambiance sections? Anyhow, perhaps I was exaggerating a tad about the financing thing, but the key word you mentioned was tourist. I don’t know how often Thurston and Lovey are traipsing off their yacht to eat at Juilleret’s. I have a feeling us humble tourists are significant contributors to this restaurant’s bottom line.

AMBIANCE

ANDREA: Juilleret’s is comfortable. As in, my two-​year-​old hole-​y sneakers are comfortable, but they’re hardly about to win any fashion contests. And the restaurant is only comfortable as long as it’s not crowded. When it’s crowded, it feels crowded, and the noise only intensifies the creeping claustrophobia and makes the small spaces between the tables seem even smaller.

MATT: I will concede that when you dine at Juilleret’s, you should pray that everyone in attendance has showered recently. But to me, it feels intimate as opposed to cramped. When I am inside Juilleret’s, I feel like I have escaped from modern society, which is one of the highest compliments I can give. The interior ambiance does not match the prices, which in this case, is a plus. As for the exterior ambiance, Juilleret’s is not downtown and therefore not on the water. But Charlevoix is so thoroughly beautiful and charming, it’s still invigorating to pull into the parking lot.

ANDREA: The parking lot overlooks Walgreens and McDonald’s. There is nothing invigorating about either. I would hazard a guess that the no-​frills simplicity of the restaurant allows diners to focus on the food instead of the walls. Whereas lots of chains use various tchotchkes to distract diners from the mediocrity of the food they serve, the lack of adornment allows more time to contemplate fellow dining companions and meditate on chewing.

TASTE

MATT: If by “meditate on chewing” you mean, “Yum ~ now don’t choke”, then yes, I meditate deeply on my chewing when I am at Juilleret’s. Especially on the “Yum”. The cheesy potatoes tasted like they were probably very unhealthy. In other words, they were awesome. The banana bread French toast I had was delicious. The funny thing about Juilleret’s doughcentric breakfast entrees is, they don’t appear very substantial. When the French toast arrived, I began to wonder if we were having some sort of military conflict or trade embargo with France that was driving up the price of French stuff. Then that made me concerned that if we ever had a trade dispute with Chile, would all of those Coney Islands in Metro Detroit be driven out of business? Then I just got back to thinking “Yum”. Besides, the portion size of the French toast is very misleading. It reminds me of the movie “The Incredibles”, when Mr. Incredible is trapped in the bad guy’s lair, and these machines started shooting all these black, shiny balls at him that expanded into gooey black balloons upon impact. The French toast seemed to expand like those gooey black balloons upon impacting my stomach. Except it tasted much, much better.

ANDREA: Are tar balls and megalomaniacs and oil-​slicked dead baby birds really the imagery you want to associate with the best French toast you ever ate? I shared a bite of Matt’s banana bread French toast and was thoroughly impressed. The egg batter transformed the dense sweet bread into a truly singular slice of bread pudding. The custard married well with the crumb of the bread, resulting in a smoother texture than most yeast bread French toasts, yet with none of the overcooked eggy residue that sometimes remains. It was hearty, warm and wonderful, and probably better suited to these cooler fall mornings than the sunny summer days we find ourselves in Charlevoix. The blueberry pancake I enjoyed was also a culinary experience. As mentioned above, it was the size of the plate it was served on, and twice as thick as a typical pancake. This was truly knife-​and-​fork food, and I was more than happy to tuck in. The cake itself was lusciously toothsome, punctuated by sweet bursts of still-​sizzling berries. Poured syrup added sweetness but never masked the flavor of the pancake. Sausages were ordered as a side, and these were cooked perfectly. The links arrived browned, taut and juicy. Topped off with a pitcher of coffee, it was the quintessential American breakfast.

MATT: You forgot to add that when Lord Byron wrote “She Walks in Beauty Like the Night”, his muse was most certainly a Juilleret’s waitress carrying a platter of pancakes and French toast.

SERVICE

ANDREA: Muse she might not have been, but I did find our server to be pleasant enough and efficient at her job. Everything came out as we had ordered, she non-​intrusively checked on us a couple of times throughout our meal, and she was polite. She well earned her tip.

MATT: I would describe the service as benign. I don’t think it added anything to our experience, but it didn’t detract from it, either. Kind of like sesame seeds on a hamburger bun, a backup singer playing tambourine in a rock band, or FCC-​friendly words in a Samuel L. Jackson film. By the way, if Sam were reading this, he would be saying, “What the (bleep) is a tchotchkes?” If any of our readers suffer from dyslexia, those particular readers are going to be wondering why some restaurants smear hotcakes or artichokes on their walls.

ANDREA: That should be “are tchotchkes.” And on the subject of Sam Jackson, both “The Incredibles” and the “Star Wars” prequels had family-​inclusive language. The dialogue in those “Star Wars” prequels was abysmal, but the actual words themselves were censor-​friendly. The FCC has no taste.

Time to leave the TIP:

MATT: Fantastic food, nice ambiance, but the multitude of cash I had to gather to pay the check rubbed the smile right off my thumb .

ANDREA: Awesome breakfast in cozily close quarters is one of the best morning meals I’ve enjoyed in a restaurant.